I feel a little like I have been sucked in to some kind of parallel vortex where I can only selfishly think of myself. I feel like I am rowing a boat that is being sucked into a whirlpool. Yikes.
I was thinking earlier today that if I had to come up with a metaphor for the soul that I would describe it as a cross between a toilet and a whirlpool. Looking down from high enough distance one begins to see a lot of the same stuff swirling around in circles repeatedly.
I was reading through some past entries here and was perplexed at how often I actually repeated exact phrases time and time again thinking I was eloquent or that I was really breaking through something in my life. The more I age the more I think that I am a bumbling idiot in some ways…at the same time, maybe I just need to revisit things in order to learn. It seems wildly unfair, but no kid learns to walk after falling just once.
I have fallen a lot of times recently, and this last time I have not felt like getting up. Parts of my life keep moving and other parts are just so discouraged it feels like this is it. But it is never “it”. Thank God there is always more to life. Just like this, just like now, just like every other thing in my life that has sucked, I will get through this too. I am an adult, I am capable, and damn it I am amazing.
Yikes. I hate to admit this, but I won’t lie. I have been feeling just a little desperate lately. I am not getting any younger as the days go by and I am sick and tired of laying awake wondering. My friend was telling me recently about this girl that she knows…her desperation has in a way taken over her life, and seems like such a unique person, why would she give up like that?
There are moments where my head is on perfectly straight and I say to myself, hey, you are going to get through this, it’s just weird, things are going to be fine and you’ll see that you are a human being just like any other who goes through things.
I hate this situation because I made myself promises I didn’t keep. And I have to forgive myself so that I can live with myself, but damn, I don’t want to. I just want to find myself and throw her against a wall and beat the hell out of her until she believes me that LOOK–it is okay to be yourself, to live your life, to enjoy your job, to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF in the way the you deserve to be cared for. There are things over which you have complete control because you have free will. At the same time there are things over which you have zero control and you must learn to differentiate between them. Relax! For the love of everything that could ever be good in your life, just relax!
A friend of mine called me recently and wanted to talk about how life is going. He and I don’t see eye to eye, on anything. This is frustrating. He sees me as being very supportive and loving, and that’s true, I do love him, we’ve been friends forever, and he’s a sweet man, he’s just scared of life. He’s scared of himself really becoming something that he wants to be one day. And I want to SHAKE him and say, seriously–LIVE! Choose to do something! Stop waiting for life to just fall in your lap! She won’t!
And so lately I can’t sleep because I feel responsible for him. I want him to be happy. But I can’t make him happy. He has to choose happiness. Like I have to choose things in my own life.
Funny how I can always see other people’s issues but I am completely blind to my own. There is so little I understand. But at the same time, I have to ask myself: why can’t I just look at him and realize the same things I keep telling him–you really can change this. You just need to CHANGE it. He and I both need to learn to understand that there has always been a classic difference between saying and DOING.
