At some point in my life I have to grow up and realize that not everything is going to turn out the way I want it to. I have made some choices in my life that have caused me to struggle and regret, then promise that I’ll just have to do it another way, or better next time, or whatever.
I met someone awhile back and we didn’t work out. He married (I’m sure) a lovely woman, and I really do hope they are happy. I don’t always feel great about how that turned out, but I’m grateful that I can keep learning and live my life the way I want to. At the same time I’m sorry that I didn’t communicate better in that relationship because perhaps it may have gone differently.
I am still a little disappointed about that, well, not that, but I worry about whether or not I have really learned from it. I have met others and repeated that same mistake a couple of times. I have begun to wonder, am I purposely sabotaging myself? Perhaps. A lot of people do that sort of thing, and I’m sorry that I feel like I may be one of them.
This really strange thing happened to me several months ago and I didn’t know how to respond to it. Again and again I have wished that I could have those moments back, but I am an adult and I know I can’t have a time machine and in some ways I don’t know that I would actually want one. I wish I knew how I could become more comfortable and realistic and be able to just tell someone what I really want in my relationships. Too often I think I keep people guessing or expect them to read my mind when in reality they can’t, they’ll never be able to, and at the end of the day I repeatedly wonder why my heart is broken.
This break, like every other, I will get over. I sincerely hope that there is a day ahead of me when I will be able to say what I need to say when I need to say it, and the days will end when I say, “well, at least I learned something from this.” Enough learning, I would like now to put that knowledge into practice!
