Oh, I’m so selfish.  I’m tired.  I’m stressed.  I feel like I’ve come to the end of myself and I don’t know where else to go.  I absolutely hate feeling like this.  I feel like everything I have ever wanted has gone out the window and good things have happened to everyone but me.  I hate feeling like this.  I am so tired. 

I go through cycles; I’m not always like this…but like I’ve said before, I have been waiting, for months, for the other shoe to drop, and it has.  I ask myself, look at all the great things that I have going for me?!  Why in the world would I be upset even for a moment?!  But I can’t function in the things I want to function in, I can’t be myself, I don’t seem to fit anywhere, and I feel confused almost everywhere I go.

For years I put myself into a group and I was happy there, or at least I thought I was.  I functioned there just find and was an alpha in the group for years.  Everything made sense to me and no one could argue with me.  Probably because I was young and stupid but really thought I knew everything.  How sad.  And yet through that process I taught myself a whole new cultural way of being. 

As I continue to live my life, try to grow up, and thereby function outside of this circle, I only grow more confused.  I’m tired.  It’s like a large-scale culture shock.  I want to be happy but don’t know what that is, I want to be myself but don’t know who that is.  I keep working at stuff thinking that I’m going to some kind of conclusion only to find myself repeatedly killing time.  It’s becoming oddly painful.  As though as a person you’re intended to fulfill some kind of meaning that I just have not resolved.

I’m feeling old and I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself to make something of my life.  It’s as though I need some kind of reinforcement to tell myself that I’m beautiful, that I’m wonderful, that I’m worth something.  Some philosophies would argue that worth is inherent, and I just don’t know how I feel about that.  I believed that very strongly, until I began to experience people ascribing worth to me, and the latter seems more real than the former. 

I’m confused, maybe.  That’s probably the best way of putting it.  I should probably talk to someone.  But I don’t want to.  I just want things to magically change.  I just want to be frickin’ normal, but everyone says that there is no such thing.  I’m exhausted, I need sleep, I need rest, I need a life.  I could have all of those things on some level I suppose, but I don’t.  I have them in pieces. 

It seems unrealistic to complain about some crap that on some level I have no control over, and in some cases everyone deals with this crap.  I guess that shouldn’t mean that I don’t or that it should be completely insignificant to me, but whatever, I have feelings, I hate having feelings.  Not that I want to live my life as a total robot, but damn, I just hate feeling like this.  I just want someone to tell me, hey, it’s going to be okay.  I’m being oversensitive I suppose.  And, if everyone goes through this stuff, maybe they do for a reason, and maybe, so will I go through it. 

At the end of the day I need to make some choices.  But maybe I need to realize that I need to make choices again and again every single day of my life.