I just spent the last hour confiding in someone I hardly know.  I can’t believe I did that.  I guess I needed to talk to someone.  I made my life sound more flashy than it really is.  Maybe that’s what I hope it seems like and sounds like to other people.  I know that I’m not normal.  Well, I feel like I’m not normal.  I desperately want to feel more normal, and I worry that I am changing myself to feel it. 

I tell myself all the time, I just want to live.  And I do, so I do.  I feel intensely restless, and I’m sure I’ll get through this period of time like I have so many times in the past and I tell myself that everything will be okay and make sense at the end of this.

I met someone awhile ago and I thought he was everything I ever wanted, and so I lived my life to please him.  It wasn’t what he wanted.  And that makes perfect sense to me.  I wouldn’t want someone to decorate and change themselves for me.  I find it interesting that I know so many people who are in relationships and so many people know that it just isn’t the right one.  And yet they stay because they don’t want to be alone.  I guess in a way I can see the logic that their mind might be experiencing, but how awful.  I realize then that though a lot of people are in relationships, it doesn’t mean they’re happy.  It is what it is I suppose. 

I feel really bad because I think the things that I desire so much are universal.  Doesn’t everyone agree with a statement like, I just want to find a mutual somebody who just wants me, who sincerely loves me, who can be himself around me? 

I feel selfish, kinda, expressing that desire.  It doesn’t seem right.  I doesn’t seem right that I should feel like something is out of place in my life when I know full well that countless people feel this way.  And yet my feelings are real…and I haven’t really felt such an urgency about it before this season in my life.  Everyone says that when you just relax and stop watching someone right will waltz into your life.  I’m sure it could happen.  Like I always say, I’ll keep living and enjoying my life as it is (and try to remember to enjoy it as it is in that meantime!) until it takes a turn in the direction I’m hoping for.