I’ve been learning some life lessons lately.  If I am honest with myself, I suppose I always am. 

I’m tired.  Learning is exhausting. 

I am in this place where there is so much that I want to say, need to say, would like to talk about, but I just can’t get it out.  I am embarrassed about where I am at in my life.  There, I said it.  This isn’t where I thought I would be, and I have kicked myself and reminded myself that I really am happy, that I really do have something to offer the world (and trust me I do), but when I’m honest with myself I know that I have missed the mark repeatedly!

I feel bad for the people that I have hurt along the way.  I don’t think I could number them all.  The worst part of this is that I have this sense that there are mistakes that I have made that I have repeated.  I go around one mountain, it’s terrible, and I promise myself: I will not go around this mountain again.  A few years later I find myself asking, haven’t I learned this once before?

I shouldn’t be this disappointed.  I should grow up and realize that I can’t grow up, I can’t change or grow or enjoy my life if I don’t make some mistakes.  However, the key is that I need to learn from them.  I have been trying to tell myself (for years, oh sad!) that it’s not going to be this way the next time, and I will be more honest and forthright and I will be myself and I will do my best and I will master the task the job the schedule the relationship, whatever.  I tell myself I can do it up until I’m in the moment, and then I freeze.

FREEZE.

How awful!  I say all the time that I hate (hate, hate!) when I feel powerless in my life.  It happens too frequently.  I get over excited about too many things.  I zero in, I get over-focused, and there is only one thing I want.  Then I don’t get it.  Then I pine and suffer.  Then I promise to not to that the next time.  Then I find something else I want.

Perhaps I lack determination.  Perhaps it is like it was when I was young and people would tell me, man you are lazy!  And yet others tell me, man, you’re ambitious!  Make up your damn mind!

Some things are easier to go after than others.  It’s the hard things that I just want to be able to tackle and I have been completely unable to as of yet.  It’s not necessarily for lack of trying.  It’s a little bit lack of opportunity, maybe, but those opportunities are going to be everywhere in a moment…before I know it. 

I am so tempted to say, “I’m just like everyone else; I only want to be happy.”

I hate that statement.  I think about that a lot though.  I do want to be happy.  I don’t even know what that means, though!!!