People tell me I have a pretty good attitude.  I do.  I like people; I love life.  Overall I’m really happy.  At the same time, I just hate this time of year–I can’t remember a time when I didn’t, and I’m not sure why.  Perhaps I am truly destined for a career in education and so the end of the academic year is a sad lull for me. 

I’ve been penned up in my office or my house avoiding the precarious weather and listening to depressing music.  It’s okay, I’m like this sometimes.

I’ve said this before, and so it sucks that I am still processing the same stuff.  I find myself having experiences and promising myself, “Okay, no matter what, I will not go around this mountain again; I will get it right this time!”  And yet, I repeatedly make the same mistakes.  It’s in this brief lull before summer gets insane with graduations and transitions that I find myself reevaluating everything and wondering what the hell I’m going to do with my life. 

Because I think happiness is a choice, I think I’ll always be happy.  However, I know that a great deal of life is not all sunshine and roses, and parts of my life will be disappointing.  Maybe I’ll always find this time of the year to be a let down, maybe I’ll keep making the same mistakes.  Maybe I’ll always feel like the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, and yet never have the courage to jump the fence.  Maybe culture will never adjust to my whims and I’ll have to keep being flexible or keep fiercely challenging everyone else. 

Like I’ve said before, maybe I’m just aging (or growing?) a little, but man, I would like a little more stability in my life!  Maybe it’s the whole three-year program thing that has me pondering.  I have felt pretty unstructured for some time.  I hate feeling like this! 

When I first left my parents home and attempted life on my own, I think I sincerely thought that one day I would just roll over and my life would make sense.  The more people I meet and the more I live the more I realize that’s delusional!  But I am still tempted to think that way, and yet equally I worry that I am doing something wrong and this is what has caused the dichotomy that I sense of late.  As a result I’m putting pressure (too much, I think) on myself to be someone something that I’m not.  I worry too much about making other people happy or making my life count for something.  I think about big accomplishments like being the first female student affairs professional to stand on her head on the moon rather than on a small scale like getting my homework done responsibly or making my bed periodically.  Maybe, just maybe if I could learn to manage some of the little things in my life these big things wouldn’t ram me in the head so hard during this season of each year.  The little things have never, ever come easily to me and sometimes I think the big things will solve the little ones when actually it’s completely the other way around.  I don’t like to admit this because it makes me feel even more inept.  Sad!  I suppose that this is what it comes down to, though…I need to learn to manage the little things before I can tackle the big ones.