when it’s through, it’s through

I am so sad.  I can tell myself all day long that I shouldn’t be.  But I am horifically sad.  I think I could shed a tear, and over something so stupid!  But feelings are real and I have them, and I’ll choose for this moment to be thankful that I have them. 

makin’ me crazy wonderin’ where you are

If two weeks ago you would have told me a couple of things that were about to happen to me, I would have laughed in your face with such gusto you would have completely blown over.  But some things have happened lately.  It’s been interesting. 

I am hoping for a lot more moments like this forthcoming. 

i could rest my head just knowin’ that you were mine

Temptation is a mixed up messed up thing.  I am so stressed out and turned on and around I don’t even want to talk about it.  To anyone.  Ever.  It’s rare that I feel this closed off.  Okay, not completely rare, but it’s certainly not often.

I spent some time yesterday thinking about how I just feel sort of powerless about my life as of late.  I suppose I generally feel powerless about my life, but lately I’ve just been more aware of it.  I feel like I want to grasp at whatever I have control over, even something little.  That’s probably messed up.  I feel like a train wreck for the first time in years.  I have been really happy for a long time and I have been kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak, and maybe it has.  I spend time that I should be sleeping instead staring at the ceiling wondering what is going to happen and lamenting over the fact that there are no guarantees.

I thought I was over this!  I suppose we all have dark nights of the soul where we contemplate crap we probably don’t need to be contemplating all the time. 

I’ll never, ever forget something (really unimportant) a friend said to me a few years ago.  She had just gotten married and was living in a tiny crappy apartment (for the record you couldn’t tell it was crappy because she took such good care of it) with her husband David.  He’s nice guy.  She was showing me how she had organized her wedding china and I commented that she had so many dishes but there were only two of them.  She explained that she hoped they would one day have family events and be able to serve meals to people on these fine dishes.  I said, that might be years from now.  And she said, yes, but I’ll always have my china.  My china, and David.

I don’t know why I still remember that…see, women we’re always looking for security, something real that might actually stick.  Look, I hate admitting that I’m like this, but I am.   I know, too: a lot of people are tempting.  Some people intensely so, and I don’t know how I am going to get by if I can’t have them.  But at the same time, I wonder what it might feel like to have someone for longer than like a day.  I’d like to find someone, something, that sticks.  China’s great, I suppose, but I would rather have someone around who could promise me something.  I know, yes I know, there are no guarantees.  But for one moment I just want to live in the fantasy world that there are.  I know too that there are moments where it feels like there are guarantees.  Like my friend with her china or whatever.  It feels wrong for me to admit…I guess I just want someone to kidnap me from my mind and steal me away to a moment where it feels like he’ll keep his promises.  A moment of an illusion of a guarantee.  I suppose that’s the best I can ask for.  And hopefully I’ll eventually be able to say, yes I’ll take it.  In the meantime, I’ll live.  And some nights, I’ll lay awake.     

look at me; i’ll be better than i am

Some things have happened lately that have been…I don’t know, surprising?  Not sure how to describe it.  I’ve been feeling like I’m in the state of limbo, not going forward, not going back, just sort of stagnant.  I hate feeling that way.  I guess for sometime now I’ve kind of been expecting something great to happen.  Something amazing!  And maybe I’ve neglected the aspect of control I have over the situation that is my life.  Truthfully I don’t know. 

Man, I just want to be happy!  And I am.  My life is (seriously) going really well.  I can’t say that I’m disappointed.  But I have been struck with the idea of late that there could be more.  There really could be more.  I guess I’m trying to figure how whose responsibility it is to get me from where I am to “more.” 

And I don’t know.  There are tons of circumstances I just can’t control, even though I want to.  Well, maybe I want to.  I wonder what it is like for God watching me go through all this crap and watching people he created who hate him and wrong him and in the same way I look at my life and think, geez, if I were actually in control of some of these aspects I would be pissed ’cause how could I walk through life constantly knowing that I could manipulate my job and my relationships and my circumstances.  I just wouldn’t seem right.  It wouldn’t be right.

And yet and so I find myself in limbo.  Nothing I say or think makes any sense, and I kind of don’t care.  I don’t want to sleep through my life until it gets to be the way I hoped it would.  I have to live.  If I want change, I have to change, plain and simple. 

So, I guess I want to change.  It feels absolutely impossible, but I want to change.  I want to be happy!  I want to settle down and I want to be free.  The dichotomy that stresses me out might actually be preventable if I can just back off and make some decisions for myself for once. 

you gotta change your crazy ways

How does this stuff happen to me?  I have no idea how I can live my life to the best of my ability and still end up cleaning up other people’s messes.  Good grief. 

I just want to shake my head at how the world has turned out so far.  You know, you hear about noble people in the world who lived their lives honorably and all the change they saw and all the ways they hoped they would leave this world better than they found it…and then, there’s my generation.

Geez.  I get frustrated because sometimes I don’t understand how in the world we got so selfish!  But I am guilty along with the rest of the world.  It is what it is and there’s nothing I can do about it.  There are a lot of things I would like to change about how people act, but I can’t.  I guess I can only be responsible for myself…I make my own choices, and I have to learn to differentiate between what I can control and what I  cannot control.  I find more and more that this must be the key to life.  Because if you waste your energy on what you cannot control, what is the point?

The problem with this is that people still hurt you, they are still selfish, they still make mistakes.  You can’t control their actions, and in a way you really can’t control how that stuff makes you feel.  But hopefully you can actually allow yourself to feel something, but not let it control your life.  I guess what you can and cannot control can sometimes feel like a gray area.  Damn, the longer I live the more I begin to think that life is just one big gray area.