must have been something you said

We all have dreams.  I have dreams.  I have been allowing myself to think about them lately.  I’ve been thinking about buying a house and love when it’s new and staying up late just to stare at someone and managing life in an appropriate and partially organized manner.  I’ve been thinking about sleeping… for the sake of actually resting rather than collapsing only to wake up too early and not be able to rest again.  I want a lot of things that I don’t generally tell other people about.  I guess these are the things.  Anyone who really knows me knows this stuff anyway, I suppose; I am a little bit of an open book even if I pretend that I’m closed off and intensely private.  

There are things happening in my life right now that I can’t seem to choose to enjoy.  I was watching tv tonight and was enjoying this couple on screen fight their feelings for each other.  Yes, they were acting (c’mon it’s tv) and secretly, non-verbally, they were going crazy for each other, but publicly, verbally, they were denying it to the end.  It was interesting.  I wonder why humans do this.  Are you really that afraid to risk when you can see that you’re going to win?  I wanted to say to the tv, geez, you are both going to get what you want, but someone is going to have to risk. 

I met a woman last night who is really pregnant; she seems violently happy about the situation, and the more time I spent with her, the more her joy seemed to spread around the whole room.  I met this afternoon a little baby who got the attention of my face from across the room.  I wondered to myself why at my age and stage in life have I not spent more time reasoning over whether I would like to have children of my own.  I realize that I don’t need to decide this today, but at the same time I realize that a good deal of people in my situation might spend extra waking hours pondering this.     

Pressure.  That’s what I feel.  In all directions.  I’m not sure why, and it’s been weeks, almost months, and I can’t shake it, and I don’t know why I can’t shake it.  I mean, geez, I am my own person, I have a free will and a sound mind and I have been reasonably successful at nearly everything I’ve taken on and yet I feel a certain level of dissatisfaction.  I feel an equal chemical magnetic pull to settle down and sow my wild oats and throw myself at the mercy of God and man.  Tricky. 

Tricky?

Yes.  Maybe.  No.  That’s about it.  Dichotomous, ambiguous.  Feels like the the definition of everything lately.  I keep telling myself, hey, that’s okay!  And I keep telling myself simultaneously, do something about this before you go crazy!  And, don’t do anything you’ll regret!  And, well, what will I regret these days?  I feel slightly crazy.  I admit it.  Hopefully there are not too many people listening. 

When I’m rational, which is surprisingly frequently, I know everything will be okay, and it is not wrong to enjoy my life.  I should.  For many years I haven’t allowed myself.  But certain enjoyments have consequences and everything that I thought I once believed with certainty has become a question in my mind.  Of all the places I would never thought I would be, this is about number 17 of 1,000.  I didn’t expect it, so I wasn’t prepared.

I have learned though that you can’t be prepared for everything. COME ON!  Let’s be real here, for half a second. 

I want things I can’t have.  I sing along, loudly, when I shouldn’t.  I am frustrated.  I am tired.  I feel loose, I feel dangerous.  I feel locked up and frigid.  It’s amazing how these things can occur simultaneously when you’re just trying to figure out who you are or what you believe, or when and if you’re trying to navigate realities you never knew were there.  Man, sometimes I wish I didn’t think about this stuff! 

Thankfully time will pass and I will feel more normal as it does.  For now I believe that.  I also believe that I’m smart and a little more savvy than I give myself credit for.  I don’t understand everything; I don’t pretend to.  Sometimes I think fear and doubt are part of the psyche for a reason, but I can’t, don’t want to, WON’T (please!) live paralyzed.  Please.  I just want to live! 

If only I knew what that meant–what I wanted, and how the hell to get to it.  Where can I find someone chivalrous and sensual who is not frantic, not completely heartbroken, at least partially realistic and not living under a rock?

restless hearts sleep alone tonight

Today I was walking down the hall at work and my co-worker stopped me. She says, ‘Are you here? Wait, let me not interrupt you; whatever is going on in your mind is better than what’s going on here.’

She was right.

I’m sorry that’s the case, that’s for sure. I imagine that we all have days like this, though. I have them a lot lately. I shake my head even as I admit this. I’m sad that I feel this way, that life in my head is better than life in the real world. I’ve had moments and seasons in my life like this before, though. Eventually things regulated to where I enjoyed real life a lot more than the prospects in my mind.

Sadly, I have rarely been more confused in my life than now. I’m sorry to say this, too, but again–true. Things just feel a little more out of control than I would ordinarily like them to feel. Like every other time I know that I will get over it and things will be just fine. I keep telling myself that. In the meantime, my head hurts. Hurts.

please don’t be thinking what i’m thinking

Have you ever looked at someone and honestly thought this in your mind?  I saw someone the other day with this look in their eyes as they spotted me, and I thought, oh, please please please don’t be thinking what I’m thinking because if you are I will have no way to stop myself.

Oy.

I’m kind of embarrassed when I think about this, but it’s true.  I have this habit (is it good, or is it bad; I continue to ask myself…) of not saying what I’m thinking when it probably wouldn’t be that big of a deal if I just said it.  I’m scared.  I don’t like to risk.  I’m not really sure why.  I tell people all the time, if you just take a risk you’ll see what happens…if it hurts a little, so what!  At least you didn’t go home wondering what would have happened if I would have just risked that one time.

Oy.

Like I said this was a few days ago, but I was thinking about it last night as I couldn’t fall asleep (again).  It’s funny how I can go almost all day without really thinking too hard about what I particularly regret at that moment, but as soon as my eyes are staring at the ceiling and I hope that they will close–it’s that moment that every regret of the last couple days or weeks comes sneering back at me and I replay a couple moments in my mind (both as they were and as I hope they could have been).  Then all the more I just can’t sleep.

Seriously, I need to realize that I can’t go back on this stuff and relive these moments.  I can do my damnedest to make certain that I don’t repeat that same idiocy in the future, but that doesn’t mean I won’t, and it doesn’t change anything.  I can hopefully do better next time, but that’s all I can hope.  Really.

And that just has to be okay with me because no matter what I can’t go back and change this stuff.
So, sleep already!

for whatever you desire

This has been one of the most intense weekends of my entire life.  Wonderful and disappointing and exhilarating.  That’s the best way to put it.

But there’s always room for more detail.  Here’s the truth.  I am who I am.  Sometimes I’m a diva sometimes I’m amazing sometimes I’m awful sometimes I’m exclusive and sometimes I slam the door in your face; sometimes it’s intentional and sometimes intentions repeatedly fail.  All of this has happened to me and near me and around me for the last couple of days.  It’s been good and it’s been all over the place.

Something that I’ve learned in the last several weeks is that I have a lot of potential.  And no I don’t mean like as a track star or a politician, but I do mean as a human being.  I have capacity.  I have a lot to offer the world and a whole lot to offer relationships that I have kept hidden for fear or whatever for years.  I really could love someone, even intimately, if I give up my issues and decide to risk. 

I used to think I was waiting for ’something to happen’ (to me or whoever or whatever) before I could really live.  I still fall into that from time to time.  The truth is, the choice is mine (and obviously I’ve always known this on some level).  Spring is here–it’s a new year, and I can choose this year to really live, to really choose life rather than get caught up in little nuances and fill my time with uselessness.    I could choose to enjoy my life and the people in it.  Anything can happen. 

On a day like today, when life feels weighty and filled with the potential of a dream, of a hope, of change that will come (and relatively soon), I worry.  I wonder.  I realize again why I am up nights so often.  But I know, every time, I will most certainly come to the same conclusion.  If I keep living, if I keep risking, if I keep wondering and I keep pursuing what I really want, I think I’ll get it.  Not because I’m virtuous, but because naturally when you want something, you pursue it.  Right?  And there are things in my life that I want, and maybe a little desperately.  But I want them with quality and not with superficiality.  I won’t necessarily detail them here … but I know what they are.  I suppose in a lot of ways I want what everyone else wants.  Well, maybe not everyone, but me, I know what I want.  I get older every day I would like to settle down at some point in the near to late future.  I want to get a job that I love, a partner that I love and produce a child or two that we’ll love.  I want to have rich relationships and a life that I look forward to living … I want to go to bed tired and happy at least once a week … laughing once in awhile and (certainly) smiling and sweating more than once in awhile.  These are simple desires, aren’t they?  If I could have a mission in my life it would be to live so that I can give other people joy.  I think I’ve always wanted this.  Maybe I’m already doing this, a little.  I don’t want it to consume me, I just want it to be a part of me.  This I know I have always wanted.

In the end I’m grateful that I can make my own choices.  Really grateful.  But like always, with freedom comes an immense amount of responsibility, which I hate.  Hate.  But I can’t have anything I want unless I dive in and go after it.  That’s my choice, for what it’s worth. 

I think one day I’ll have the things I want.  I don’t think anything will come easily or perfectly, but I don’t know anything and it may all just fall into my lap one day.  Oh, how I would appreciate that!  It’s good though for me to realize that I have a lot to give, and I should just give it rather than storing it away for some other thing that may never happen.  My desire is to live today.  I have other desires and hope to reach those milestones one day at a time.  I can do it.  I’m looking forward to it, in a way.  Risking is always risking (every time you open your mouth, as it was said to me this week), but I can do it.  Altogether I know that I know that I know that the benefits outweigh the risks a great majority of the time.  If I don’t experience the bad, I won’t experience the good.  And that might be the bottom line for now.       

always something there to remind me

Today is the day.  I hope.  I will have to wait and see. 

It’s been a few crazy and wonderful weeks.  It’s overwhelming altogether.  Everything in my life has fallen apart and come together.  It’s weird.  It’s really weird.

I’ve realized that there are days where I’m expressly quiet and days where I can’t stop talking.  Maybe that’s the case with everyone.  Most of the time I just can’t stop talking…there’s so much to process, so much to do, so much to experience, so much to try to not forget. 

I realize to that no matter what happens, no matter how old I get, no matter the profound or the obscene experiences I have, the same thoughts keep me awake at night as when I was a little kid.  Those deep questions swirling around in my mind during the night watches–they’re the same.  I still don’t know what is going to happen–in moments of peace prosperity turmoil whatever.  I still don’t know. 

Maybe the unique thing about my life is that there was a time when I was oh so certain, and life kicked me in the head.  Hard.  And I mean really hard.  I had to wake up.  But you can’t wake up when you don’t know you’re sleeping.  It’s taken me years to figure that out, and now (OH I HOPE!), lately, I feel like I’ve tried to open my eyes a little.  Frankly I don’t like a lot of the stuff that I see.  But there are things that I love.  I look for different more creative ways to solve my issues, to find what I’m looking for.  I put all my eggs in one basket again and again.  It’s intense and awful and overwhelming and when clarity comes and I discover that I just keep going around the same damn mountain, I wonder.  And then I condemn myself a little.

Maybe today is the day that I will learn.  Maybe today is diva day.  Who knows…it could really happen.  BUT at the same time I have to admit to myself today that today is not the end all be all of anything…it’s just a step.  And it’s a small one.  Everything is going to be fine (I keep telling myself).  I don’t need to always overreact.  In some ways, I really can trust myself.  It’s okay, on some level, to say what I’m thinking–to not be so guarded that I can’t open my mouth and so open that I censor nothing.  It’s a hard place to be, I guess.  Balance has never EVER come easily to me, and I have always known that, and always passively sought to resolve that. 

Like I said, I’ll have to wait and see.

i know that time’s gonna fly

I never realized I could make such a big deal out of something until this week.  I’m getting by.  I’m not ruined forever.  I’m grateful for that.  I should relax a little bit instead of blowing everything that ever happens to me out of proportion.  It’s going to be okay.

At the same time, I know that there are things that I should deal with and I am running from them.  It’s a little scary to admit.  Like I’ve said, I’m always talking about how I’m making progress and getting over this stuff.  The truth is, I fear that it will haunt me for the rest of my life, but I’m too scared to admit anything even in that neighborhood.

This has happened before.  Nothing has ever hurt so much.  Those were different circumstances, thankfully, and now I’m not as much hurt as I am just plain upset and disappointed with myself that I could repeat patterns again and again.  People ask all the time, you know, why isn’t so-and-so happy?  I mean, if I were in their place in life I would be a lot more content (haven’t we all said that!).  Or, why don’t you think so-and-so hasn’t changed when (s)he knows that this isn’t working?  Look.  We have all wondered the same damn thing, and yet we can’t change.

I’m getting older.  It’s upsetting me.  I’ve never told anyone this but I really never believed I would have a long life.  I always thought I would die young, around the age that I’m at now…I didn’t plan for this.  Sometimes I look forward to something or I know something is going to happen a certain day and then, the next day, when I wake up I think, geez I legitimately forgot that today was going to happen, that life was going to go on and I was going to have to continue to function efficiently.  It’s a puzzle to say the least.  It’s because of this aging process I find myself taking another look at my life and knowing full well that I didn’t want to be here, that I wanted to be defined by something else other than what I currently am, and I have to face that.  I have to deal with that.  I’m excited to be alive another year, truly, I am, but at the same time I wonder, what will I do with this one? 

I have been alive long enough to develop some horrendous habits.  Most of them are in relationships and I know what they are.  The sad and scary thing is that sometimes I just do them without realizing anything ever happened.  That’s a little nerve wracking to say the least, but I don’t honestly know what to do about it…and I wonder, am I doomed to be that person on the other side of the room, who everyone else can’t seem to figure out…why isn’t she happy?  What is her deal?  If I am going to be that woman, nothing (I don’t think) could scare me more.  Because I would have to say to those complainers, I have patterns in my life that I can’t get away from.  I would have to realize and have no choice but to admit the fact that I’m educated enough to figure out what the hell is going on and still know no tangible way to administer help to my own issue(s).  It’s worrisome, and maybe this is why I can’t sleep at night.

I mean seriously, if you think that you’re doomed to be unhappy on some level, not because you’ve been wronged or something unfortunate happened, but rather because you know full well that you did it to yourself, and you now have to live with that, what in the world can you do?

give up this fight

Do you know what I hate about being human?  You don’t know what you want until it’s too late to get it.  I really hate that.  So there it is.  I don’t even know what else to say. 

It’s funny the things I won’t allow myself to do because I figure they’re wrong.  Too many times I just don’t let myself be true to myself.  When I have a chance, I promise myself I’m going to get it right this time, and every time I cop out and run away like a chicken.  A chicken.

Something happened to me the other night that totally surprised me.  I walked in expecting one experience and it just didn’t happen.  Not necessarily the opposite happened, but pretty damn close.  How frustrating.  At the time I figured it was a learning experience…maybe now I’m a little wiser, we’ll see. 

Man, I am really afraid.  No wonder I host a blog that dances around the idea that one day I’ll be who I really want to be.  I have totally chickened out so many times that I don’t even know who I really am a lot of the time.  What the hell?!  Sigh.  I want to shut out the world listen to loud music and forget anyone else will ever exist.

Last night I couldn’t sleep; this is naturally becoming old hat to me–so much so that when it gets to be “bedtime” I just find something to do to stay awake longer.  I think of something that will piss me off so that I stay awake longer.  It’s almost sadistic, like I am punishing myself for not living the life I want to live.  But isn’t this crap my choice and so I should just change rather than punish? 

Have you ever felt like you’re in a moment and you want to be able to control what you’re doing, but you can’t?  You want to be able to make some kind of statement, to assess a feeling, and you just can’t?  I get scared because I feel like I have programmed myself to not enjoy anything.  That I’ve programmed myself to be unhappy and closed off and frightful and harming myself.  I don’t really tell people this stuff, ever.  I don’t know anymore.

I talk all the time about how I am making progress, about how I would like to make progress, but still fear stops me.  I don’t really know what I’m afraid of, but I wish I weren’t so damn paralyzed.  Geez, what do I have to lose in the world?  I have everything I need, everything I want, I have issues, but I am going to be fine.  I mean, why can’t I just take a risk sometime?  Why can’t other people risk toward me?  Do I seem like I am not worth taking a risk for?  Do I turn people down?  Do I look down on people?  Do I seem like a condescending bitch when really I am a wonderful woman looking for the same thing you are? 

OH!!!  It just doesn’t make sense, and I am mad as hell about it.   

end of an era

I suppose that says it all.  It does say it all.

I’ve been worrying and staying up nights for weeks, only to find out that everything is fine.  I am a normal person with normal thoughts and desires, and there is nothing wrong with that.  I can believe that the things that I long for and wait for will be fulfilled, or I can run out and fulfill them the best way that I know how.  It’s good to make a decision. 

Maybe I’ll finally sleep tonight.  Maybe that’s all this was ever about–what is going to happen, and what I am I going to do? 

Moral crisis averted.  And, I learned that it’s okay for me to genuinely be myself.  Not everyone is going to like me, not everyone is going to want me, not everyone is going to love me.  That’s okay.  I’m still myself and I’m still free to be who I am and how I am.  

OH! How I want to start really LIVING my life and not waiting or watching it go by!  Can such a life be possible for me?  Maybe.

Closure is an odd thing in a lot of ways because suddenly you wake up and realize that everything was okay all along but you were just worried about the unknowns and the happenstances.  Truthfully, if I would just live, and rest, and LIVE!, things would probably make more sense to me.

Like I always say, a diva happens to her life rather than allowing life to happen to her. 

I have a lot to learn still.  But this is a start.