From time to time I decide that I should have been a therapist. (Ironically, most people who become therapists have some past issue that they got over, or maybe they never got over, and for expressly this they become a therapist–to help someone become, or overcome, something they never did.)
Everyone has a regret. Few like to talk about this, for obvious reasons. I think though that every individual on the face of the earth feels there is one defining moment, or maybe day or season or year or whatever, where they deeply wonder, what if I would have done this differently? (What if I had/not changed my major? What if I would have/not resisted kissing her? What if I had/not fallen off that ladder? What if I would have just said/not what was on my mind in that moment? Why was I dis/honest? What if I had/not married this guy? What if I would have said no? What if I would have said yes? What if I had/not left? What if she had/not left? What if I would have been more dis/trusting?)
These questions are pretty powerful. It can get out of control. For whatever reason, I’ve been pondering these in my life lately, and adding questions to the mix. It brings about mixed feelings, I guess. (I may write more on this another time, we’ll see–I still haven’t written about “it’s developmental”…)
At the same time, I’ve made some decisions. I haven’t made the actions. If you properly make decisions, it’s argued that you decide what you’re going to do, evaluate it, and then act. I’m giving that a go. It’s this process, however, that has forced me to bring up all the questions I might be asking myself after these decisions are made.
In my mind, a diva needs no help making decisions. She flies by the seat of her pants, and she is wise. She wisely flies, maybe. Because for a diva, the feeling of invincibility seems so real that it translates into more of an experience. Anything can happen, yes, but a diva can happen to anything.
I suppose I would be lying if I didn’t admit that being that I’m consistently trying to write about how I want to be and become more of a diva, maybe more of who I truly think I am (diva or otherwise)…that I hope that I can learn to live in such a way that I happen to life rather than life happening to me. I may get there.
Part of this is making these decisions, taking action. I will. I will also, though, take pleasure in evaluating the actions beforehand. If it makes me think of past regrets, that’s okay. I do regret stuff. I’m sorry about that. But at the same time, isn’t it at least a little true that I wouldn’t be who I am today without those regrets? That without those regrets I would just have other regrets? Yes. And so, with the next batch of decisions I make…. I may hurt. I may win. I may regret; I may risk bigger next time…and yet, I’ll roll the dice.
