I’m tired. I’ve been up since about 3:58 or so this morning. This has become a somewhat regular habit for me. I generally wake up between 3:45-4:00am and then I lay in bed wishing I were falling asleep, and or I spend the time daydreaming, but still wishing that this sleep had not been interrupted. I have intensely vivid dreams (sometimes frightening and sometimes excellent) and I usually fall asleep again about two hours after waking, which is about 20 minutes before my alarm wakes me. After this I feel physically miserable for hours, and the dreams follow me in my mind, sometimes for days or even weeks afterward.
Such has been the pattern for about a month. I admit, I’m pretty stressed out of late. There are a lot of things going on in my life, and I just plain have not made time for self-care. Truthfully I don’t know how I can any longer make time for self-care considering the fact that I basically just lost my job, so any left over time I may have in life must be put toward figuring out how the heck I am going to pay my rent. The thought has occurred to me that I would rather be indebted to an actual debtor than my landlord. Debt ruins relationships. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I won’t try to decide right now.
My birthday is coming up. This is one of the things I daydream about during what I’ve come to refer to as the “extra hours in my day.” Since my true desire in life is to be an awe-inspiring diva, I plan to practice living as one for one night, at my birthday party.
I guess I have been more so planning to grow into diva-hood, rather than to just arrive at it one day; so, I imagine that this performance will be less than awe-inspiring. However, in my mind a diva lives in such a way that is completely untouched by everybody else’s issues. I am a people pleaser. I am easily nervous (but I try really really hard not to show it). In my mind, I am myself, and on my outside, I try incessantly to be what I think and hope everyone wants me to be. This affects, naturally, my heart my emotions my posture my appearance my attitude and, well, my behavior. I wonder what would happen if I threw caution to the wind and let the self that lives in my mind emerge for one evening. Though she’s in my mind I fear I don’t know her very well and that I won’t be able to temper her. Truthfully, that’s what makes me want to let her live all the more.
