I used to love the TV show “Friends.”  Obviously you’ve seen it.

There’s this particular episode where Monica goes for a job interview; it goes very badly–she walks out–I mean, it’s not her fault, it’s just that the guy interviewing her was a complete moron.  Later, Chandler asks her how she is doing–she’s coming out of the bathroom and says, “yeah, I think that fifth shower actually got the interview off of me.”

I have to laugh heartily at this because it is just at that point of the series where Monica’s obsessive tendencies are just coming out, Monica is becoming Monica, I guess. 

Most of the time I end up making fun of people like that, but for the first time in my life I feel like I can relate to Monica a little.  I could use a fifth shower right now.  I have been getting all kinds of unsolicited advice from all kinds of people…because people know that something is on my mind that I’m not sharing with people.  Everyone says that I should talk about it.  Maybe I should.  Normally I’m a big believer in this kind of thing (if you knew me you would laugh at that).  When it comes to myself I tend to be rather closed off about the deepest things of the heart.  Well, things I haven’t really worked out yet.  I haven’t worked this out.  I would like very much to work this out on my own.  When I have decided better what I believe, then I’ll go to someone who will likely agree with my point of view.  They will affirm me and we’ll be on the same page and it will seem like I have processed the whole thing and it will just go away. 

Or, I could talk to several different people and see what their thoughts are and none of them will agree and I will just feel more conflicted inside.  This is what has been happening so far. 

And so here I am.  I would like very much to discuss this with someone who has absolutely no bias whatsoever.  However, there is no one who has absolutely no bias whatsoever about this. 

What I am going through is not about a decision.  Everyone thinks it is about a decision.  I think it is about a decision.  But it’s not.  It is about a way of being, a way of feeling, that everyone experiences completely differently.  And no one can get inside my head and see what I’m really feeling about this.  And yet here I am, feeling and being and wondering if there is anyone like me in the world.  I can’t remember the last time I was confused like this, just wanting that fifth shower to remove whatever debris I have gathered into my life.  But every day I shower and the thoughts are there.  I can’t sleep and forget to eat.  It’s not a good state of being.  See, I know full well that this is temporary and I am fine.  I would say so if I weren’t (really, I would.  If you knew me, you would know that I’m very serious about that kind of thing).  I just need some time to figure this out without people interjecting their opinion. 

It’s developmental.  Maybe I’ll explain that next time.